FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The popular cable access television show and podcast, The Atheist Experience, will air a special fifteen minute episode on Sunday, April 6, announcing the conclusion of the show's ten and a half year run.
When pressed for an explanation, show host and president of the Atheist Community of Austin Matt Dillahunty said: "I've been doing this show for two years now... but then last weekend I just looked out the window and couldn't believe what I saw. Trees. Flowers. Blue sky. Even some birds and stuff. I had never noticed any of them before. And I thought to myself, 'Unbelieveable. If all those things exist then surely someone must have made them.'"
Dillahunty went on to explain that all four of the regular co-hosts were approached to take over the host spot in order to keep the show running, but all of them declined. "I already announced a while back that I would be leaving the show," said Ashley Perrien, another long time contributor to The Atheist Experience. "I didn't feel comfortable explaining my reasons at the time, but I'm much more sure of myself now. I want to dedicate myself to my new religion of Scientology. In fact, I'm on my way to go get an e-meter reading right now. I hope to cleanse all my engrams in about five years, and then maybe I can talk about coming back."
Tracie Harris remarked: "I just realized one day how much I missed the Catholic Church and all their rituals. They've always been like a family to me, and I take comfort and pride in my affiliation with them. I've been chatting with my former priest, and he got me to realize how improper it is for a woman to speak on camera, especially in the capacity of instructing men. I plan to spend the rest of my life atoning for the horrible things I wrote in that stupid Atheist Eve cartoon."
Don Baker was struck by a similar epiphany. "I've been lying to myself all these years," he said. "I thought I was an atheist, but really it was just a childish rebellion against the God who wanted me to live a decent, moral life. Now that I have no further excuse to continue sinning, I plan to finally settle down with my new girlfriend and make an honest woman of her." Having said that, he turned to the adoring young lady by his side, who declined to be identified for this story, and gave her a chaste kiss on the hand.
"It occurred to me that all this science stuff I'd been preaching was my false substitute for a religion," said Russell Glasser, who used to serve as the show's producer. "Once I realized that all these so-called 'scientists' were actually priests of Satan, the wool was removed from my eyes. It's so clear now that evolution is a lie, and that evidence and reason are a terrible way to understand the world. Faith is clearly a superior epistemological tool. I mean, after all, if you can't even believe something as obvious the resurrection of Jesus, how can you believe anything? Like, how can you believe that New York exists, man? I can't believe I've been so blind.
"Also, did you know that the World Trade Center was totally brought down by insiders in the Bush administration?" Glasser added. "It's true! Don't buy the official government story! There's a movie online that explains EVERYTHING!"
In a scheduled press conference, producer Joe Rhodes announced that the show will remain off the air for three days, at which point it will be reborn as a new series entitled "Kickin' It With Jesus."
In related news, audio podcast host Denis Loubet announced that the first episode of "The Prophets" will air in two weeks.