Friday, December 18, 2009

6,753 douchebags: a post in which I swear a lot, even in Finnish

That is the number, as of this posting, of the people who have actually voted "yes" to the current CNN online poll question: Should information about women who get abortions be posted online? Fortunately, they are in the vast minority on this one. As much as America has been slouching toward lunacy in the past eight years, at least most people have an appropriate sense of clarity on something this deranged. Still, that's a lot of fucking douchebags!

In case some of you are wondering with slack-jawed horror what might have prompted this poll question in the first place: yes, it's true. The great state of Oklahoma — home of Silly Sally Kern (read up on her by doing a search over at Abbie's); the state where they were so offended by Richard Dawkins' speaking tour that the legislature introduced a resolution telling everyone how offended they were, as they'd already eradicated all crime and poverty in the state and therefore had plenty of downtime that week — yes, Oohhhhhklahoma wants to pass a law...

that will post information online about women who get abortions in the state -- an act critics say would be harassment and an invasion of privacy....

"We're not trying to embarrass anybody, hurt anybody or make anybody's identities known. That's not the purpose of the legislation," the Republican lawmaker says.
"We want to collect hard data that can be a useful tool in helping prevent future unwanted pregnancies."

You know, I was going to call this bullshit, that being what it is and all, but it occurred to me that mere English profanities were not sufficient to convey the totality of the bullshittery on offer here. So I did a little Googling and discovered that "bullshit" in Finnish, which is a lovely lyrical language, is ja vitut! Nice! Just kind of rolls off the tongue. So having logged "bullshit" in my multiculti swearing lexicon I began a desperate search for "motherfucker," but the best I could come up with was runkkari, which evidently only translates to "wanker" but which I'm also assured is "extremely offensive." Great, I'm sold! Now, setting aside the fact I know bugger-all (see, I can do it in Cockney too!) about proper tenses and grammar and such in Finnish, I'm just going to cobble the thing together and proudly announce that I've come up with exactly the thing to say to any right-wing runkkari who tries to tell me that their new "harass teh wimminz" law is all in the interests of looking out for their delicate well being. Ja vitut, runkkari!

(And I'm not kidding about the lyrical qualities of Finnish profanity, people. Wikipedia helpfully informs me of the magnificent phrase Vittujen kevät ja kyrpien takatalvi!, "paraphrased, 'Oh fucking shit!' or literally 'The spring of cunts and the late winter of dicks!'" That simply leaves me reeling in awe. It's like the kind of album title you'd get if Marilyn Manson ever went emo.)

I mean, I could tell these idiots how to prevent future unwanted pregnancies. Just drop millions of free condoms from low flying airplanes! Or just pass some kind of comprehensive sex education to inform all those poor redneck kids of yours that inserting Knob A in Hole B usually results in Lump C unless sensible precautions are taken. This suggestion perhaps unfairly assumes a measurable percentage of Oklahomans are sensible, but please, won't someone think of the children!? Anyway, there are any number of easily-implemented ways to prevent unwanted pregnancies if that's what they really wanted to do up there, so if you try to tell me you're taking down women's private information and posting it on the goddamn Internet, for chrissakes, in order to help these women, then you're just olla naama norsun vitulla. (Yeah, look that one up, kids. Har!)

So the wingers are of course trying to lie about their real motives, which is to frighten women out of exercising their reproductive rights entirely, and claim that...

The measure specifies women's identities will be protected. "Nothing in the Individual Abortion Form shall contain the name, address or information specifically identifying any patient," it says. "Nobody's identity will be made known," Lamb says.

Which naturally prompts the question of why do it at all then? What exact scientific information that is helpful to anyone will be gleaned from looking at a bunch of questionnaires and determining, "Well, X thousand women had abortions last year, and of those, 25% were due to health dangers, 10% were due to interfering with their lifestyles, 20% were due to being raped by their dads in the back of the singlewide when ma's off doing church bingo, and the rest were due to the women realizing their kids would grow up to be dumbfuck rednecks from Oklahoma and they simply couldn't bear the shame." None of that is necessary to get you to the simple realization that you could have spent all that time and energy simply dropping condoms from airplanes!

It will be interesting to see how badly this crashes and burns, although when the wingers get motivated, watch out! There are no guarantees. In the meantime, just remember: Ja vitut, runkkari!

So do Finns have a word for "douchebag" anyway?

PS: I've actually met a lot of nice people from Oklahoma. I have. Really! :-)


  1. I'm not sure what word would most precisely correspond to 'douchebag', but rest assured that the Finnish language has plenty of good insults. Some of my favorites include

    - puusilmä (lit. 'wood eye', somebody who just doesn't get it)
    - taliaivo (sebum brain)
    - turkulainen (someone from Turku)

  2. It sounds as if posting personal medical information would be a clear violation of federal HIPPA regulations. Without "W" in the white house that might matter.

    If these hate abortion so much they might want to use the most effective methods to reduce that numbers. Unfortunately they can only come up with fear and ignorance as a solution rather than concentrating on maximum harm reduction. They feel free to screw up peoples lives and then feel morally superior about it.

    How do you say "I want to barf" in Finnish?

  3. Fuck fuck fuck! Time to write my representatives again. GAHH!!

    This all stems from the dumb shit fuck cock sex education here (I grew up and still live in Oklahoma). They still teach fucking abstinence only here. So now since they tell children nothing about their natural urges and give them no instructions on birth control and protection, they want to fucking shame the woman. FUCK YOU, you are a bunch of fucking cunt douche bags who created a problem and now you are blaming it on the victims. Fuck you right in the goat ass.

    Writing my representatives now.

  4. btw 10126 douche bags and counting now

  5. I was actually sitting in slack-jawed horror when I read the line about, "wondering with slack-jawed horror". I then snapped my jaw closed and continued to read in regular horror.

  6. I am now an Oklahomaphobic. I avoid the place as it is, but I guess it really can get worse.

  7. BeamStalk: Writing my representatives now.

    Remember to leave out the "fuck you right in the goat ass" part. A couple of well-placed ja vituts! ought to work though.

  8. Allow me to submit the following for your approval:


    Also I think there should be a kind of fine for those who hold contradictory opinions. Want to post women's info online so people can harrass them about their abortions AND you're opposed to real sex ex? Fine, you have a right to have stupid opinions and this one is going to cost you one prenatal office visit copay for a girl who got knocked up because neither she nor her boyfriend were told how to use a condom.

  9. I wonder if they are collecting info on race as well?

  10. Somehow I bet they would end up blaming homosexuals for all teh abortions. With the lack of proper sex education there they might just believe it too.

  11. I weep for my state. I'm seriously considering packing the family up and moving to Austin.

  12. My girl freind will love this story. She is big on the idea of 'public bodies'.

    I'll repeat my 'militant' prolife statement.

    Even if human life was sapient from cell 1 and person-hood began at conception, I am STILL not convinced it would be moral to force a woman to carry it to term against her will.

  13. The Oklahoma Legislature DID NOT pass a resolution condemning Dawkins. Two resolutions were introduced, but went nowhere. Try to get your facts straight.

  14. Fair enough, I changed "passed" to "introduced." Doesn't make it any less mockworthy an exercise in douchebaggery,

  15. To be honest.
    If its really anonymous than i have no problem with it.

    The USA already collect statistics on abortions, but reporting abortions is not mandatory so those numbers might be off.

    I say let them produce a bill, check if its really anonymous, if it is, im ok with it.

  16. "To be honest.
    If its really anonymous than i have no problem with it.

    The USA already collect statistics on abortions, but reporting abortions is not mandatory so those numbers might be off.

    I say let them produce a bill, check if its really anonymous, if it is, im ok with it."

    Still rights issues if they mandate the statistics. You have to be able to op out of filling the questionnaire.


  18. douchebag could be translated as "paskiainen" (that's like saying "you piece of shit"), "mulkku" (a dick) or kusipää (piss-head)

  19. Oh man, I laughed so hard when I read this.. I guess it's universal to be envious of other peoples' languages, you English speakers seem to have most of the best profanities in my mind :)

    "Vitun runkkari" would be the correct form to use by the way, meaning "fucking wanker". (Or literally "the wanker of a cunt")

    "Ja vitut" is a statement by itself, which would more precisely mean something like "The hell with it!".

    A Finnish version for the classic "Oh fuck!" would be "Voi vittu", meaning literally "Oh cunt!", or it's longer alternative: "Voi hevonvittu", meaning "Oh horse's cunt!"

    One of the most classic Finnish profanities that is especially used in extreme anger is "Saatana!", usually pronounced through clenched teeth, meaning of course "Satan!". This would be what you'd yell out before proceeding the bash someones face in, in a drunken rage.

    Douchebag is a hard one though. The first translation that comes to my mind is "paskiainen", though it's usually used to translate the words "bastard" or "cocksucker". But it does imply the same qualities of untrustworthiness and general sleaziness. As for the literal translation, well if the word "earthling" describes someone of this earth, I guess "shitling" would be a quite literal translation of "paskiainen". It's an all-around fine term to use describing any sorts of douchebag cocksuckers.

  20. I am rather partial to 'Perkele', with a hearthy rolling R. Which is merely a synonym for Satan.

    Or 'Piru vie', with a direct translation being something like 'May satan take you' or something as it is not always directed to a particular subject.

    'Helvetin helvetti' is nice too and means 'The hell of hell'.

    And as someone from Turku, I just have little something to say to Timo, 'Ime munaa senkin kupan syömä kusipää.' all in a pretentious friendliness :)

    Translation for non-finnish people, 'Suck cock, you syfilis ridden piss for brain'

    PS: 'I want to barf' could be said, 'Minä haluan oksentaa' but usually it is rather energetic situation and 'Kohta laatta lentää' meaning something like 'barf will fly soon' will often suffice and correct direction is pointed out.


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