Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Ted, somehow I'm dubious

Oh, Ted. Ted Ted Ted. (Haggard, I mean, for those of you just tuning in.) So you've come out today with your latest excuse for, after years of hypocritically posing as a greal moral religious leader, finally being revealed as a drug-abusing, adulterous, whoremongering sodomite. And it's that old standby, "I was abused as a child."

Sure, I suppose this could have happened. After all, so many children, especially those in extremely rigid religious environments, are horribly abused, sexually and otherwise. But here's the problem. Or problems.

One: You are, or were, a high-profile public figure whose fame and influence was tied to maintaining and cultivating a carefully manicured image of righteousness. That wasn't merely tarnished, it took a direct hit from a nuke. So it's natural you would be highly motivated to repair and restore that image any way you can. How better to do this than by...

Two: ...playing the victim. See, religionists have a really bad habit of doing this when they have, in fact, been shown to be in the wrong. Why, we've experienced it here firsthand. (coughYomincough) Playing upon emotions is what you, as a preacher, have spent your entire career doing. It's become such a part of your personal lexicon you probably do it reflexively, without having to rehearse or even give the act much thought at all. Guilt, fear, anxiety...all the ingredients of the religion-toolkit all designed to lead the poor sinner back to that coveted moment of redemption. Come on, Ted, the whole schtick is your stock in trade! Who wouldn't expect you to claim something like this as an excuse for your acts? The only surprise is you didn't do it sooner.

Three: Your whole "confession" here is an insult to gays, though as a self-denying homophobe, you probably don't care. See, Ted, it's a fact that people abused as children do sometimes grow up to commit violent criminal acts. But you weren't caught at that, dude! You weren't found doing the Catholic priest thing of diddling a choirboy, or smacking the hell out of your wife and family. You were just found to be a closeted homosexual carrying on an affair. Okay, granted, you somehow stupidly chose a male prostitute for your extracurricular dalliances instead of just, you know, picking some fellow up at a bar or online. And you also bought meth from him. And those two things are illegal acts, sure. But they aren't crimes of violence. And while violent crimes in adulthood can often be traced to an abusive childhood, plain old homosexuality cannot. (Then again, you aren't a normal gay man either, so your situation could be different.)

Four: finally, don't presume that any of us, apart from a few of the still-brainwashed rubes from your former church, gives a shit. Really, your situation may have been a life-demolishing trauma and disgrace for you. But for the rest of us, who have spent years watching the decline and fall of the Bakkers and Tiltons and Swaggarts and Popoffs and all the rest of you charlatan SOB's... well, to us, it was just another instance of "Oh look, another evangelist has been found to be a dishonest sleazebag." In other news, the sun rose in the east this morning.

So, yeah...ho hum, Ted. Maybe you were horribly abused as a poor little waif, or maybe you're just lying to save whatever tatters of your reputation are left. But who cares? Seriously, who cares? You're done.


  1. To me, the most important argument in this is that, because he seems so adamant to profess his responsibility in the matter, any prior abuse he had, however damaging, is irrelevant. Either you assume full responsibility for your actions, or you give some or all of the fault to someone else. Apparently, he's contradicting himself. Surprise!

  2. I wonder which part he is actually feeling guilty about, paying for sex, sex with another man, or paying for drugs (which he supposedly didn't take - but thought crimes count with this God right?).
    I'm not at all surprised by this story, it just makes me nod my head in complete understanding. While reading an article on Ted Haggard, I wasn't sure whether to laugh at the irony, or to feel sad for him having wasted his life and living a lie.

    Yet another example of the joy and hypocrisy that religion brings to our lives.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I always try to live by the motto "Love the believer, not the belief" (*wink-wink to Xians*), but in Ted Haggard's case, I'll make an exception.

  5. What a chump. Seriously. Although, a great performer and professional wrestling mind once said "All things reset every 7 years. Everything is new again to a whole new generation after that time."

    Although many people would look down on pro-wrestling, it is a type of theater and show. Just like Haggard.

    I wonder if he does this and keeps his head down for a few years, if everyone will suddenly forget?

    Likely. Sad but true.

    If I felt like being a homophobe, I'd tell Haggard to go suck a d**k, but.. oh! Too late! ;)

  6. And don't forget that "hating on Teh Gayz" is THE WINNING THING!!!*bling* to do now, what with the passage of Prop 8 and its ilk. It's the only "victory" the fundies can claim this last election, so man they're glomming onto it like it's the only Hershey's Kiss left on the table after a huge group pot-fest.

    So yeah, not only does he play the one victim card left in his hand, the "I'm gay cause I was abYOOOOOSED" card, he can piggy-back it onto the Big Political Thing as well. Why, he can be the Poster Child for "See What Letting TEH GAYZ Marry Will Do To Your Kids??!?!?!OMGZ" publicity/fundraising campaign that's sure to take hold now. Especially if CA's Supreme Court overturns Prop 8.

    Professional Wresting at least has some integrity.

  7. So, let me get this straight...

    The loving, eternal creator of the universe that Ted loves and believes loves him, allowed him to be abused as a child and, despite this trauma, Ted eagerly spent years in faithful service to this god.

    This god was never quite able (or willing) to heal the wounds of this abuse, despite Ted's devotion to serving and proselytizing on this god's behalf.

    This omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent god allowed this childhood pain to fester to the point that Ted was powerless to resist his 'perverse' desires for drugs and gay sex...which resulted in public embarrassment for Ted, his ministry and his god.

    It all seems a bit counter-productive if the goal of this god is to make it clear to the world that he loves them and wants to save them from (his) damnation.

    This god sure is working over time to make it look like he doesn't exist.

  8. You're preaching to the choir Matt. No pun intended.

    I have had zero respect for Ted Haggard since the day I knew about him, because the day I knew about him was the day I saw him in Jesus Camp. That was one of the most horrific movies I have ever had the fortune of watching, and it put so many things into perspective for me about the fundamentalists in America and how truly awful it was over there.

  9. You've probably all seen or listened to Roy Zimmerman's song 'Ted Haggard is Completely Heterosexual', so I wont have to recommend watching on YouTube.

    The first time I took note of Haggard was in a documentary on German television about the megachurches. Then a second time when Dawkins interviewed him and was ushered out of the place for being unsatisfied with Ted's answers. The hilarious moment when Dawkins compared the sermons to the Nürnberg Rallys and Ted just smiled approvingly was priceless.
    And then, right after everyone was done making fun of him, the scandal.

    He'll come back, heck, even Popoff is back to scamming people. There's no law against systematic lying.

  10. I invite all of you to check out a pseudo scientist I recently discovered. He has published several blogs with a church in Michigan. Some of the things he is saying is grossly misleading, and quite disheartening, while other just prompt me to laugh.

    He has listed several threads with different pseudo proofs as to why the Universe is just 6,000 years old. He attacks evolution, claiming even that those churches which have accepted it are "infected". He is also using his position to discount the impact of global warming caused by humans, essentially concluding humans have no impact.

    I know this pseudo scientist is typical, and there are probably many out these like him. But I wanna fight this, and the only way I can think of to do that is to try and bring his lies into the open environment.

  11. @felix

    He'll come back, heck, even Popoff is back to scamming people.

    I came here to say this. Now, Popoff's schtick is the "prosperity church". Send him money, and god will make you rich.

  12. It's the age-old dilemma.

    If God knows that I'm being abused as a child and will as a result grow up to be a adulterous closet-homosexual drug user, and is capable of preventing this terrible thing from happening, but chooses not to, then he can't be an omnibenevolent God.

  13. tommy,
    I don't know how friendly mainstream Christianity resolves this, although I could make something up that would fit nicely and be very verbose and sophistic, the fundietards just lean back and blame it on sinful nature, tainted world, which we all brought on ourselves, and if we don't pass their beloved Good Person Test (which nobody can), then we deserve it, if we know it or not. Fill the gaps with assorted scripture quotes, and you're set.
    Now go out and witness! ;)

  14. I wrote my anti-testimony at at a time when I was just waking up to my atheism. It is incomplete and filled with the anger and misspellings of one obviously (un)educated in a christian school. So please understand where I am comeing from when I say:


    Your previous abuse doesn't justify your mental abuse of others through your religious beliefs. If anything you should be more wary of those who try and control others for their own desires. Instead you still side with a mentally abusive belief system and those that work it for the power and money they gain from those they prey over.

    Stop it Ted! You are being an asshat.

    I'd also like to say that my skepticism and atheism has done more for my mental stability than any kind of christian beliefs I have ever held.

  15. Addendum:

    My atheism hasn't made my spelling all that much better.

  16. I'm going to give Haggard the benefit of the doubt here. I remember a friend once telling me that the most "righteous" people are the ones with the most skeletons in their closets.

    Recently someone posted a blog link on the TV list about "Virtuous Woman"--who is making sure her little girl knows she's flawed and unable to be a good person. She wants her child to understand just how imperfect and helpless she is--so that she'll know why Salvation/Redepmtion are necessary.

    This BREEDS shame and guilt. When everything I am is something to be ashamed of--when mistakes are blown up to events that deserve eternal torture--we learn to lie and hide our unsavory behavior. And it becomes VERY important to us that others see us as being "good."

    Will the little girl be comfortable being imperfect and accept herself flaws and all? Or will she learn to lie and hide her "bad" behavior from a mother who makes a point of making her badness so important that every morning the girl wakes up promising to be good--and every night goes to bed with a list of errors she made throughout the day, compliments of her mother?

    If a person is ashamed of themselves (and if the girl isn't sufficiently shamed--she might not grasp why she is unacceptable to god and needs salvation. She must be contrite, remember) they are more prone to hide and lie--and to wish other people approved of them. And if I'm unacceptable as "me"--then better I show them something "good"--something better than "me," so they don't see how bad I really am.

    And I grow up spouting pious bullsh*t out of every pore--while I practice being "me" in the shadows--where I don't feel quite so judged and condemned.

    If this is what happened to Haggard, then I'm mainly sorry he didn't take the opportunity of being "caught" to say, "OK, yea. This is me. And I'm OK. And I'm sick of hiding it. Deal with it or don't--but this is who I am."

    The only sympathy I can muster for him comes from my hopeless feeling that the little girl in Virtuous Woman's blogs is going to grow up to be the female counterpart to Haggard. Trying to prove to everyone that she can be "good" and can be acceptable--by burying herself deep, deep down somewhere until it spews out in a fountain of vomited repressed material in her life, and she sits naked and ashamed instead of naked and proud.

    I feel for this kid. And if Haggard's upbringing was similar, I have to feel for him as well. Even though it can be tough. Would that he would learn to love who he is, drop the pretense and find some actual peace away from his ridiculous doctrine that's messing up his head and life.

    Maybe that's more sympathy than the guy deserves--but that's my initial reaction.

  17. Before having sex it's good to energize your body through dance or movement and then allow yourself to relax into a dynamic state of meditation. Allow your breathing to slow and harmonize together. Sit facing each other as you open your heart and connect, before touching your partner in an erotic way.

  18. One consideration that may have been overlooked is that the good Rev. Ted is just a monster, and will do anything that moves, like Jim Jones.

    Here's a small clip I found labeled exhibit A:

    Personally when I first saw him my "gaydar" went off. This is my honest assessment, I am not trying to mock him.


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