Monday, March 16, 2009

Oh, we get email

Been too busy to blog this weekend, so I thought, just in the interest of moistening the drought around here a little bit, I'd offer up some amusement from the show's inbox.

yup it's hard to satisfy people that God really does exist.

i just wanna know if you believe in evil spirits??
if there are evil spirits, it somehow will state a fact
that there are more of them which the Bible stated
and it could be a link or can be a connection.

I would just want to know
if you guys have tried this ouja board?
it's been known to contact spirits or something evil,
maybe if you could get contact with a spirit,
it would show you things in a different level.

scientists don't believe spirits do exist,
I wonder if they've ever tried using materials people use
to contact spirits.

I want you people to try it,
conduct an experiment with it,
just to state a fact,
or may just it be a theory?

we believers of God can't try it
since we are against to do so for it is a sin
as it was said on the Bible.

Hope i could get a reply once done,
thanks and peace be with you.

Okay, in fairness, I don't think English is this fellow's first language. Still, what he's asking is deliriously fun, isn't it? He seems to think ouija boards are real and not just a quaint parlor game for drunk people who like giving themselves a little scare. And he thinks the only reason scientists don't believe in evil spirits is because they've never played with a ouija board themselves? That's just...adorable! So now he wants us to play with a ouija board and contact an evil spirit, and then tell him what it says.

Sure, happy to help. Here's what I wrote back.

After consulting my ouija board, here's what my local evil spirit had to say: "Pick up bottle of milk, extra cat litter. Plus TiVO Galactica series finale. Peace out."


  1. Okay, that was hilarious.
    I was slumming through the show archives and I stumbled on a show where you guys did talk about ouija boards, as well as another where some guy was describing how to build ghost traps or something... There may be more.

    However, since I'm posting, an off-topic suggestion for a show (NP or AETV) in the near future: Another atheist book list. There have to be some good new books out.

  2. George Noory, of Coast to Coast, was going to use a Ouija board on his show, and you would not believe all the lunatics who begged him not to because it's evil and will open a portal for an evil spirit to come through.

    Sad thing is is that if he did use it, one of the listeners would have something happen, and no matter how insignificant that event would be, it would attributed to Noory using the Ouija board.

    It's both hilarious and sad that people actually believe a mass produced toy is somehow evil and a connection to malevolence. If this were true, why the hell is it mass produced?!

    Oh wait, Satan. That explains everything!

  3. I find this very funny. "Please sin for me, because I can't and it looks interesting."

  4. Okay, in fairness, I don't think English is this fellow's first language.

    Be as fair as you like, but I'd wager English is his first language. He writes like many who frequent the message board on Stephen King's website. I've given up trying to participate there for that reason. I imagine Mr. King is in despair over not being able to impart to his avid readers even a modicum of improvement in spelling, grammar and usage.

    Your erudite commenter also reminds me of some of the Christian radio I used to listen to back in my delusional days. Bob Larson was a favorite, and I listened to him for a number of years. I remember in the late 1980s he was telling listeners to avoid such "studies" as UFOs, Ouija boards and horror movies simply because they were a distraction from "higher" studies such as scripture. Kind of how my dad felt about such things -- he had a very disparaging attitude toward pop culture of any type. But as the years went on, Larson changed his tune. By the time I gave up listening to him in the early '90s, he had begun cautioning readers to avoid reading about UFOs, watching horror movies, playing with Ouija boards, engaging in yoga, listening to New Age music and keeping Buddha statues in their homes. He warned that any of these practices could lead directly to demon possession. Some listeners took him to task for even recommending Christian music that had a beat, since "that" kind of music derived from native African drumbeats -- more demons, who apparently have the ability to transcend miles and centuries...

    Funny how a demon from 18th century Ghana can pop up and say hello, while billions of devoted Christians who pray for Jesus to drop in never, ever get their wish.

    Unless it's on a piece of toast...

  5. This is a bit off topic and if you would rather it not be here go ahead and delete it but I need a bit of help with a friend. My friend just watched "The Obama Deception," which is a new Alex Jones "documentary" and he seems to buy it. I haven't been able to watch it yet but having seen Alex Jones movies in the past I know what to expect. I have been trying to find a breakdown of it from the non-conspiracy nut side hoping to be able to show him how full of shite the movie really is but I can't seem to find an rebuttals to it. I also found a couple articles talking about Obama not truly repealing the stem cell ban. Of course, this one is Fox "News" so I'm sure there is some kind of lie in there but I haven't been able to find anything about this anywhere else to understand what is actually going on here. If anyone can help me find a good rebuttal to these or explain what really is going on with the stem cell stuff I could really use the help. I don't want to see my friend slip into the tinfoil hat crowd.

  6. Written, as it is, with all the short lines containing one though each, it feels like free-form poetry. In fact, the thought briefly flitted through my head that it's just about the right length to convert to rhyming iambic pentameter and make a sonnet out of it.

    Here, let me try a verse.

    It's hard to prove that a God does exist,
    But do you think that spirits are a fact?
    If they were proved, on God I could insist;
    It would be evidence on which to act.

    Some fun, huh? :)

  7. Ahhhh, I just couldn't resist finishing it!

    It's hard to prove that a God does exist,
    But do you think that spirits are a fact?
    If they were proved, on God I could insist;
    It would be evidence on which to act.

    I want to know if ouija boards you've tried?
    Responding, evil spirits sometimes do.
    If you should contact something that has died,
    It would be new information to you.

    For scientists, from whom theories must fly,
    Are skeptical, yet I don't think they've seen.
    We Christians are too terrified to try,
    But you could do it, and see what I mean.

    I surely hope you will reply to me,
    And tell me what in ouija boards you'll see.

  8. Kazim:
    Are you going to try that at Pharyngula and give Cuttlefish a run for his money?

  9. Arch,

    I should think the prominent appearance of ex-LaRouchite fruitcake Webster Tarpley in Jones' documentary would be enough to sink it. Tarpley is a 9/11 Truther, btw.

    But maybe I'm just another tool of the Conspiracy.

    As for Obama "not truly repealing" the stem cell funding ban, that is just bizarre. He did. That's the plain fact of it. Where did this charge come from?

  10. Here is the link to the story about the Obama stem cell policy.
    Yeah, it's Fox and I didn't find it anywhere else so I don't know.

  11. Perhaps someone should suggest that the writer run down to Toys-R-Us and buy up EVERY Ouija Board they have for sale, especiallythe GLOW-IN-THE-DARK model ($22.99!), and them burn them or bury them or do whatever's necessary to prevent their use by immature kids who might inadvertently release the demonic hordes...

  12. SKepti-KAZ G --

    Damn, yo, that shit's fly tight! Bro, I hear Def Jam callin' you, aight?

  13. So, he can't use the ouija board, because he's a Christian - but it's all right for you to do it, because you're going to hell anyway? He's curious, so he wants you to throw yourself on the spiritual grenade?


  14. You could always try using the Ouiji Board, telling him you talked to his Grandparents and they're watching over him from below. =)

    I wouldn't be surprised if English IS this guy's first language either... only a native English speaker could botch it THAT badly without adding a disclaimer that he's from (insert country) and speaks very little English.

    On a semi-related note, why is it every Dutch or Scandinavian person I've met speaks more fluent English than us native English-speakers?

  15. Oooh... oooh... sorry for the double-post, but I just had a thought. If he's a Christian, can't he just go ahead and use the Ouiji board, then ask Sky-Daddy to forgive him? As long as he doesn't deny the Trinity, he should be sweet... by their backwards-ass logic anyway.

  16. That has got to be
    The absolute worst poem
    I have ever read

  17. "On a semi-related note, why is it every Dutch or Scandinavian person I've met speaks more fluent English than us native English-speakers?"

    it is a corollary from your previous statement. Foreigners will not attempt to interact if they do not understand the language to their satisfaction. Native speakers don't have that luxury, esp. native english speakers that have no second language experience.

    Now, my experience is more with Greeks than Skandinavians, but still...

  18. @Zurahn: I see what you did there :)

    BTW, nice poem, Kazim!

  19. Ack! Sorry for double posting, I'm on an iPhone!

  20. @Zurahn:

    I can do worse.

    "Oh freddled gruntbuggly
    Thy micturations are to me
    As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
    Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes
    And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
    Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
    See if I don't!"

    Stick with the classics, I say.

  21. Kazim:
    Fortunately, the very worst poetry in the universe was destroyed when the Vogons put in that bypass:

    "The dead swans lay in the stagnant pool.
    They lay. They rotted. They turned
    Around occassionally.
    Bits of flesh dropped off them from
    Time to time.
    And sank into the pool's mire.
    They also smelt a great deal."

  22. Here's a better "scientific" question for the e-mailer to consider: Why do Quija boards spirits always answer in the language of the player and when will spirits start communicating in Netspeak via Quija board?

    "Who will I marry?"
    "LULZ. U + J = 4EV"
    "What is your name?"
    "J-E-R-R-Y F-A-L-...MYOB NEWB"

  23. I know from experience that evil spirits do exist and are active in this world. You can find them in bars, supermarkets and off licences (liquor stores in the US?). I often got sick drinking whisky, sangria, tequila, etc. They are all spirits, and they can definitely be evil.

  24. The ideomotor effect wants you to TiVO BSG... Hope you remembered, because otherwise it'll get cross and tip your table over.


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