Yeah, this one is Christian spam, but it's one of those instances where you wonder if the person sending it to us honestly thought that offering us a link to a sure-to-be LOLtacular Christian online novel would be just the sort of outreach we atheists had been awaiting, to finally soften our hardened hearts against Jebus. The email alone is so fun (pick your favorite line), my only worry is the book will be disappointingly less hilarious by comparison.
There is a new epic novel (in e-book form) of intense spiritual magnitude. It is titled, "Satan: Judgment Day for the Dragon." by author Trey Smith and founder of the God in a Nutshell Project.
Satan: Judgment Day for the Dragon is FREE. It is not partially free. It is not “kind of” free. It is not halfway free. Never once is a credit card even mentioned on the pages of this e-book site. IT IS TRULY FREE. And, getting to it is as simple as clicking here. Basically, we don’t want to sell it to you… WE WANT YOU TO HAVE IT!
This book, Satan: Judgment Day for the Dragon is a very… very new thing. It is the FIRST of its kind. It is a story based on Biblical texts, ancient historical evidences and a great many wonders we as mankind have forgotten. It is vivid, violent, gritty and gripping. It may shake you. It may twist you. But, you may love every second of it; that is for you to decide.
This novel is the story of how the devil became the devil. It a story that takes you into realms that are beyond comprehention. There is no simpler way to describe it. And describing it would spoil everything. We want you to SEE IT. You tell us; is it REAL? Or, is it just good fiction?
CLICK HERE to get Satan: Judgment Day for the Dragon FREE right now.
Is it REAL? Or (comma splice) is it just good fiction? I'm guessing neither. And I'd humbly suggest that anyone who thinks "It a story that takes you into realms that are beyond comprehention" is an effective pitch needs to sit down with a publicist. (Note in the interests of fairness: at least "judgment" is spelled correctly.)
Enjoy your book. (smileyface) In case you still aren't sold, here are the opening paragraphs of the first chapter of the "novel."
We do not start with the beginning; for in reality, such a thing does not exist. A beginning and end are merely two points on a line, a segment of what is everlasting. Thus, there is nothing magical about the beginning, nor the end. All that truly bares any interest is the curved, jagged, rippled, bent, twisted, sloped and amazingly warped line that lies in-between. In essence, the beginning and end are fixed points that only serve as a capsule to contain the chain of events that has led to this moment, the moment in which you now sit to read this page.
So, it would be foolish of us to begin at the beginning. That would be like attempting to read backwards gibberish. In this story, to understand the beginning, we must start with the end. Therefore, let us start at the proper place; let us begin with the violence.
In the real world of publishing, involving things like literary agents and editors, the last sentence of paragraph two might raise a giggle, if it weren't for the fact that they'd have stopped reading and tossed the manuscript by sentence four of paragraph one. But by making it available free, at least this Trey Smith knows what it's worth.
So they ripped off their opening paragraphs from Baccano?
ReplyDeleteYou're right: three sentences in --> TOSS.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny you should say that an editor would have stopped reading by paragraph 4 sentence 1, because that's where I skipped the rest of the excerpt and then had to go back and read it.
ReplyDeleteWeird.
Their claim is accurate, the opening paragraphs certainly took me beyond comprehention.
ReplyDeleteReally, how clueless must one be to think that the incomprehensibility of your writing is something to boast about to your hoped-for readers?
ReplyDelete"Therefore, let us start at the proper place; let us begin with the violence."
ReplyDeleteSorry folks, but that is pure Win.
Martin, if I can get the movie rights to this thing, and a few dozen million dollars for development, promise me you will direct it.
Hey, come to think of it, we can do a double-feature: This, and Ringo's Watch on the Rhine book.
Why should we try to understand the beginning? It doesn't even exist according to what I've been told. o_O
ReplyDelete"We do not start with the beginning; for in reality, such a thing does not exist. A beginning and end are merely two points on a line, a segment of what is everlasting. Thus, there is nothing magical about the beginning, nor the end. All that truly bares any interest is the curved, jagged, rippled, bent, twisted, sloped and amazingly warped line that lies in-between. In essence, the beginning and end are fixed points that only serve as a capsule to contain the chain of events that has led to this moment, the moment in which you now sit to read this page."
ReplyDeleteSo much for Troy's argument. I insist you send this to Troy in response to his spam pointing out that it's another christian evangelizing...let the two duke it out.
Then we bayonet the survivor
After trudging through those two paragraphs, I don't think it deserves the FREE price tag. Even if they offered to pay me a lot of money to download it, it wouldn't be worth it.
ReplyDelete"bares" =/= "bears"
ReplyDeleteI've desperately sieved through some pretty lousy slush piles in my time. Even then I knew what quality of literature to expect when someone started by explaining in medias res (badly), and then got confused by homonyms.
That's your hook, for Christ's sake!
"All that truly bares any interest is the curved, jagged, rippled, bent, twisted, sloped and amazingly warped line that lies in-between."
ReplyDeleteI just love the horribly, wretchedly, exasperatingly, monotonously, and unnecessarily long list of modifiers that do nothing to actually illustrate or clarify anything.
"This novel is the story of how the devil became the devil."
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure Piers Anthony did it better.
You know, another word for incomprehensible is "gibberish".
ReplyDeleteSeriously, if these guys seriously believe that their god is incomprehensible, then what they are in fact saying is that their god cannot be understood by human rationality. In which case, you cannot use logic to prove the existence of such a being.
It used to be that filks, parodies, slash and other novel-length online fiction was free. Since then supply has soared and demand has remained constant.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant idea. From this day forward, whenever I'm quoting a moron, I'll do it in Comic Sans
ReplyDeleteThe Laward sure must love stupid people, because he sure made a lot of 'em!
ReplyDeleteLS
For anyone who wants to read a really good, and funny, story about Lucifer (and i enjoyed it even as an atheist) should check out I, Lucifer by Glen Duncan. It's written from the POV of Lucifer so it's language is offensive but hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI, Lucifer on Google Books
I have found Steven Brust's interpretation to be very good reading:
ReplyDeletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_Reign_in_Hell
NoEL
So, I finally figured out why I have so much trouble getting answers from the Bible. It starts at the beginning, and therefore is like reading backwards gibberish.
ReplyDeleteGibberish I can handle, but not backwards gibberish. Had the Bible been written like Pulp Fiction, it might have made more sense.
@ T. Sunshine Love
ReplyDeleteThere was probably more jail bait nudity at least and rape apologetics in his version at least. Which I guess is at least something new to the story.
Read it as if a beatnik were doing a poetry reading. Snap your fingers, give it a beat, and let it flow. Might help to be slightly high.
ReplyDelete@Thomas
ReplyDeleteCOPTIC MOTHER FUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!?
"In this story, to understand the beginning, we must start with the end."
ReplyDeleteI thought ends didn't exist?
I actually wanted to write a story about how Satan became Satan, with homoerotic tensions between Lucifer and Michael and an ending set in the newly made Hell, where a third-degree burnt Satan living now in a pool of mud and feces cries over his lost beauty... I think my idea is more interesting than this one.
ReplyDeleteI'd read it.
ReplyDeleteAlthough for a fun one in graphic novel form, check out Neil Gaiman's "Murder Mystery"
It's a noir detective tale...in heaven.
This is Trey Smith (author of the book you are all dogging so hard). I think the debate is great and I am thrilled to run across it online.
ReplyDeleteThe God in a Nutshell Project seems to also shake up the Christians, they're a pretty divided group to begin with. I can't really speak for anyone other than my own beliefs, but I for one don't see any good way to deny that God exists. Everything's just a little too complex to come from nothing, don't you think?
Anyhow, most of my life I've made a living as a ghost writer for other people. This year I have had the privilege to do three of my own projects. One of them is God in a Nutshell. I'm not charging for it. The Truth should always be free.
Nevertheless, I've got something coming up here in December... December 4th to be exact. I can't be as generous. This thing is going to cost you a couple bucks down at Barnes and Noble or your favorite bookstore, but I think you're going to be excited to spend every penny.
There is a going to be a little shaking of the Christians this Christmas. That's not because I love you atheists that much. It's just that a good dose of change does everybody some good once in a while. My God, I wish I could tell you more... But, I promise we'll get there. I promise.
Until then, why don't you give www.godinanutshell.com a second look. Who knows, maybe it will grow on you?
Until December 3rd 2010....
Trey Smith -
P.S. Take it easy on the reviews. I know we don't believe the same, but at least keep this above the belt.
"Everything's just a little too complex to come from nothing, don't you think?"
ReplyDeleteYou are an author and THIS is what you consider to be an argument? You're presenting a false dichotomy and a strawman all in one, nice.
Why is it god or nothing, and who is claiming nothing?
Incredulity is not an argument.