Tuesday, January 02, 2007

For your enjoyment: Ring in 2007 with some Pat Robert-fun!

The nefarious Pat Robertson continues to inhale air and exhale laughing gas. His latest act of saying something outrageous to get headlines and attention is this little gem: he thinks jillions of us are going to be kilt by terrorists this year, and Da Big G gave him the lowdown himself!

"The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."

Robertson said God told him about the impending tragedy during a recent prayer retreat.

God also said, he claims, that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

It is, perhaps, the greatest thing in the world for atheists when fundamentalist nutbars go off on one of these "God spoke to me" benders. The creativity value is literally boundless. Sure, I know it isn't nice to mock the mentally handicapped, but then, this is Pat "God's sending a tsunami" Robertson we're on about here. I feel I can bend the rules of common decency just a wee bit. So! Let's start with the whole thing about how he got this breaking news about our national security from God Himself! The scene fades in on an average, sunny Tuesday morning in the CBN offices...


INT. — PAT ROBERTSON'S OFFICE — DAY

An elderly, avuncular man, PAT ROBERTSON, in an immaculate business suit, sits at a sprawling mahogany desk decorated with family photos. The wall behind him features more photos of himself, posing with politicians and presidents, and a massive portrait of Jesus Christ, autographed, "To Pat, from your pal, J., Xmas — how bout that eggnog! Wooo! XXOO"

The intercom buzzes. Robertson, who has been muttering to himself under his breath, looks up, startled. Wiping a string of drool from his lower lip, he flicks the button with a shaky hand.

ROBERTSON
Uh...yes?

VOICE
(V/O intercom)
Mr. Robertson? God. Line one.

ROBERTSON
Oh...! Ah, yes, I'll...take it right away.

Robertson flicks another switch, activating a speaker-phone.

ROBERTSON
(clearing throat)
Ahem...this is P...uh, I mean, my Lord...?

GOD
(V/O speaker-phone)
Pat! Buddy! What's up? How's the "little steeple"?

ROBERTSON
(embarrassed)
Oh! Uh...heh heh. Just, uh, just fine, Lord, heh...

GOD
Aw, don't be such a prude! It's your own damn fault. Always told you you should jack off more.

Robertson blushes deeply, is too embarrassed to speak.

GOD
Aw, I'm just messin' with ya. Don't take it personal. Listen, can't talk long, I just wanted to drop a line and give you a heads-up on the next terror attack.

ROBERTSON
Oh dear. Oh dear dear dear. Will it — uh — will it be...big?

GOD
Hmmm...yeah. Pretty big. Good size one, anyway.

ROBERTSON
Oooh dear. I knew it. Those Muslims...if they would only confess their sins, give their hearts to your Son...

GOD
Yeah, it's a pisser. What can you do, eh?

ROBERTSON
So...another attack. I just know there's a scripture pointing right to this, but in Your wisdom, Lord, it's up to me to study Your word and find it myself. And I will, Lord, I will.

GOD
Right, right. Good plan. What I like to see. Some real word-studying. That old Bible of mine won't interpret itself, you know!

ROBERTSON
Will it be nuclear?

GOD
Will what be nuclear?

ROBERTSON
The, uh, attack, Lord.

GOD
Oh yeah! That. Uhhh... no comment.

ROBERTSON
I beg y...I mean, I'm sorry Lord?

GOD
I just think I'd rather not say. About the whole nuclear part.

ROBERTSON
But...why? I mean, I know I'm not supposed to question you, don't think that! I'm just...

GOD
Curious, sure, I gotcha. Well, you know how it is. I just better not say. Can't be seen interfering with that whole "free will" thing.

ROBERTSON
That's true, very true. But...well, no. It's a sin to question you, Lord...

GOD
Naw, go ahead, ask me. It's cool.

ROBERTSON
I was just thinking a hint would be nice. I mean, the, heh heh, the Orlando thing was a little embarrassing, you know. Not that I'd ever let on...

GOD
Yeah, that one was pretty fuckin' stupid even for you. Okay, hint. Let's say... sometime this fall, definitely not September this time, how about after. And, um, big major American cities, millions dead, all that good stuff.

ROBERTSON
Oh, goodness. Oh, dear. But...Lord, wouldn't it be best to tell, you know, Mr. Bush, the CIA...they could get organized, prevent the attack this time...

GOD
Pat, sweety, you and I both know Bush and his boys couldn't organize an orgy in a whorehouse. I mean, even you were able to figure out the Iraq war was stupid, which puts it right at the top of the list of stupidest things of all time. And besides, it's you who is my most trusted spokesman and representative on Earth. You're the man I trust most with the most solemn duties in My Holy Name. None other has what it takes to do his duty by Me.

A tear falling from one eye, Robertson sits up tall in his chair.

ROBERTSON
I hear and obey, Lord. You are the truth, the way and the light, and in Jesus' precious name, I promise I will not fail you. I will do what must be done to warn humanity.

GOD
You da man, Pat. Look, gotta run. Always enjoy our little chin-wags. Give the wife a kiss, and tell Falwell to lay off the fuckin' eclairs. I don't want his fat ass up here that soon. Shit.

ROBERTSON
Hallowed be thy name, o Lord, I...

The line clicks dead. Robertson clicks his intercom. No sign of the physical frailty he possessed minutes ago is present.

ROBERTSON
Get me the news desk, right away.

CUT TO:
INT. — HEAVEN, GOD'S PALACE, REC ROOM — DAY

GOD snaps shut his flip phone and smiles. Camera pulls back to reveal a poker table, around which sit JESUS, LUCIFER, and THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER. There is a moment of quiet, then all of them burst out laughing.

LUCIFER
God, you asshole!

GOD
Hey, it's Pat. You gotta love the guy!

SAINT PETER enters, carrying a case of Heineken and three extra-large Domino's pizzas.

SAINT PETER
Which one of you guys had the hand-tossed with extra pepperoni?

FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER
Hey, none of those better be anybody I know!

GOD looks over to JESUS and LUCIFER.

GOD
So...a little bird tells me you crazy kids are getting married!

FADE OUT.

7 comments:

  1. I cant comprehend how people can take this Pat bozo seriously.

    Great blog!!!!
    Keep it up.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "The Lord didn't say nuclear"

    He's right. He said "nucular."

    ReplyDelete
  3. FAB. U. LOUS!!! You made my day!

    ReplyDelete
  4. OUTSTANDING, except, I do NOT picture the Pat-meister wearing an
    "immaculate white suit". He is after all a turd, so I think mustard-stained, underarm-pitted, booger-caked sleeved, white suit.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well actually, it doesn't say the suit is white (that would be Benny Hinn), but you're spot on about the booger-caked sleeve, I think.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Alice Wonder1/11/2007 3:12 PM

    Wow Martin! This is hilarious! Congrats.

    I wish I would visit the AE blog more often.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Let's just hope that the "god" who told him about all this wasn't some goober called George "Dumbya," or we'd do well to worry.

    ReplyDelete

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