The nefarious Pat Robertson continues to inhale air and exhale laughing gas. His latest act of saying something outrageous to get headlines and attention is this little gem: he thinks jillions of us are going to be kilt by terrorists this year, and Da Big G gave him the lowdown himself!
"The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."
Robertson said God told him about the impending tragedy during a recent prayer retreat.
God also said, he claims, that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.
It is, perhaps, the greatest thing in the world for atheists when fundamentalist nutbars go off on one of these "God spoke to me" benders. The creativity value is literally boundless. Sure, I know it isn't nice to mock the mentally handicapped, but then, this is Pat "God's sending a tsunami" Robertson we're on about here. I feel I can bend the rules of common decency just a wee bit. So! Let's start with the whole thing about how he got this breaking news about our national security from God Himself! The scene fades in on an average, sunny Tuesday morning in the CBN offices...
INT. — PAT ROBERTSON'S OFFICE — DAY
An elderly, avuncular man, PAT ROBERTSON, in an immaculate business suit, sits at a sprawling mahogany desk decorated with family photos. The wall behind him features more photos of himself, posing with politicians and presidents, and a massive portrait of Jesus Christ, autographed, "To Pat, from your pal, J., Xmas — how bout that eggnog! Wooo! XXOO"
The intercom buzzes. Robertson, who has been muttering to himself under his breath, looks up, startled. Wiping a string of drool from his lower lip, he flicks the button with a shaky hand.
ROBERTSON Uh...yes?VOICE
(V/O intercom)Mr. Robertson? God. Line one.ROBERTSON Oh...! Ah, yes, I'll...take it right away.Robertson flicks another switch, activating a speaker-phone.
ROBERTSON
(clearing throat)Ahem...this is P...uh, I mean, my Lord...?GOD
(V/O speaker-phone)Pat! Buddy! What's up? How's the "little steeple"?ROBERTSON
(embarrassed)Oh! Uh...heh heh. Just, uh, just fine, Lord, heh...GOD Aw, don't be such a prude! It's your own damn fault. Always told you you should jack off more.Robertson blushes deeply, is too embarrassed to speak.
GOD Aw, I'm just messin' with ya. Don't take it personal. Listen, can't talk long, I just wanted to drop a line and give you a heads-up on the next terror attack.ROBERTSON Oh dear. Oh dear dear dear. Will it — uh — will it be...big?GOD Hmmm...yeah. Pretty big. Good size one, anyway.ROBERTSON Oooh dear. I knew it. Those Muslims...if they would only confess their sins, give their hearts to your Son...GOD Yeah, it's a pisser. What can you do, eh?ROBERTSON So...another attack. I just know there's a scripture pointing right to this, but in Your wisdom, Lord, it's up to me to study Your word and find it myself. And I will, Lord, I will.GOD Right, right. Good plan. What I like to see. Some real word-studying. That old Bible of mine won't interpret itself, you know!ROBERTSON Will it be nuclear?GOD Will what be nuclear?ROBERTSON The, uh, attack, Lord.GOD Oh yeah! That. Uhhh... no comment.ROBERTSON I beg y...I mean, I'm sorry Lord?GOD I just think I'd rather not say. About the whole nuclear part.ROBERTSON But...why? I mean, I know I'm not supposed to question you, don't think that! I'm just...GOD Curious, sure, I gotcha. Well, you know how it is. I just better not say. Can't be seen interfering with that whole "free will" thing.ROBERTSON That's true, very true. But...well, no. It's a sin to question you, Lord...GOD Naw, go ahead, ask me. It's cool.ROBERTSON I was just thinking a hint would be nice. I mean, the, heh heh, the Orlando thing was a little embarrassing, you know. Not that I'd ever let on...GOD Yeah, that one was pretty fuckin' stupid even for you. Okay, hint. Let's say... sometime this fall, definitely not September this time, how about after. And, um, big major American cities, millions dead, all that good stuff.ROBERTSON Oh, goodness. Oh, dear. But...Lord, wouldn't it be best to tell, you know, Mr. Bush, the CIA...they could get organized, prevent the attack this time...GOD Pat, sweety, you and I both know Bush and his boys couldn't organize an orgy in a whorehouse. I mean, even you were able to figure out the Iraq war was stupid, which puts it right at the top of the list of stupidest things of all time. And besides, it's you who is my most trusted spokesman and representative on Earth. You're the man I trust most with the most solemn duties in My Holy Name. None other has what it takes to do his duty by Me.A tear falling from one eye, Robertson sits up tall in his chair.
ROBERTSON I hear and obey, Lord. You are the truth, the way and the light, and in Jesus' precious name, I promise I will not fail you. I will do what must be done to warn humanity.GOD You da man, Pat. Look, gotta run. Always enjoy our little chin-wags. Give the wife a kiss, and tell Falwell to lay off the fuckin' eclairs. I don't want his fat ass up here that soon. Shit.ROBERTSON Hallowed be thy name, o Lord, I...The line clicks dead. Robertson clicks his intercom. No sign of the physical frailty he possessed minutes ago is present.
ROBERTSON Get me the news desk, right away.CUT TO:
INT. — HEAVEN, GOD'S PALACE, REC ROOM — DAYGOD snaps shut his flip phone and smiles. Camera pulls back to reveal a poker table, around which sit JESUS, LUCIFER, and THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER. There is a moment of quiet, then all of them burst out laughing.
LUCIFER God, you asshole!GOD Hey, it's Pat. You gotta love the guy!SAINT PETER enters, carrying a case of Heineken and three extra-large Domino's pizzas.
SAINT PETER Which one of you guys had the hand-tossed with extra pepperoni?FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER Hey, none of those better be anybody I know!GOD looks over to JESUS and LUCIFER.
GOD So...a little bird tells me you crazy kids are getting married!FADE OUT.
I cant comprehend how people can take this Pat bozo seriously.
ReplyDeleteGreat blog!!!!
Keep it up.
"The Lord didn't say nuclear"
ReplyDeleteHe's right. He said "nucular."
FAB. U. LOUS!!! You made my day!
ReplyDeleteOUTSTANDING, except, I do NOT picture the Pat-meister wearing an
ReplyDelete"immaculate white suit". He is after all a turd, so I think mustard-stained, underarm-pitted, booger-caked sleeved, white suit.
Well actually, it doesn't say the suit is white (that would be Benny Hinn), but you're spot on about the booger-caked sleeve, I think.
ReplyDeleteWow Martin! This is hilarious! Congrats.
ReplyDeleteI wish I would visit the AE blog more often.
Let's just hope that the "god" who told him about all this wasn't some goober called George "Dumbya," or we'd do well to worry.
ReplyDelete